she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
