So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Two words: nipple clamps
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