I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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