he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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