I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
