got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
