Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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