I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He kissed a someone with a penis
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
