cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
