i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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