So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
