Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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