Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
