My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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