I wish I only lived at night.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So much rum. So many feels.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
