genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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