Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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