Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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