Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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