I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
