i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My breasts were aching with rage.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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