It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
