The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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