so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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