Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
