feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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