Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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