Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
