you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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