I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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