Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
