Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
