she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You made out with two different species that night
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
