the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
