he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
