I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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