ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
