The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
