He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
