Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
