The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
