I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
