Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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