I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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