I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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