guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
