miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
