4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
