i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
