Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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