You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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