At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
