I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
