I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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